In the movie, Hitch, Will Smith plays a cynical matchmaker, who views love as a science. In the opening monologue, he describes the “basic principles” of romance. But it’s a chick flick, so you can be sure that if there are any “basic principles,” it will definitely be the plot-line. Chick flicks – “romantic comedies” – follow a pretty standard formula: boy meets girl, followed by 30-45 minutes of awkward humor as they fall in love, and everything looks rosy…until a tragic misunderstanding and/or circumstances beyond their control drive them apart. But just when all hope appears lost, they see the light, make up, and live happily ever after.
As much as I hate to admit it, there’s actually a lesson there for the church. The plot of every chick flick revolves around one pivotal point: the big, emotional fight. It usually works like this: Something bad happens that is at least partly beyond either person’s control, and it hurts one or both of the people involved. One of the two verbally attacks the other based on partial information and a lot of assumptions to fill in the blanks. The other person fights back, both get in some great zingers, but in the end, both walk away hurt. Despite the predictability, though, chick flicks sell because this is how things go in real-life relationships – romantic or otherwise.
Paul gets at this in Ephesians 4:26-27
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
Notice how it starts: Be angry… When you’ve been hurt or done wrong, it’s not sinful to be angry. Anger is a feeling – like fear, happiness, or hunger. And let’s be clear – most rational people don’t get mad unless there’s at least some valid thing to be angry about. That said, the next part is the focus: when you’re angry do not sin. Being angry isn’t the part to avoid. What you do with that anger is the key.
As in most chick flicks – and in most fights of any kind – there are more or less two ways we express anger in a sinful way. First, we explode. We lash out and try to hurt the other person. The other way is to pretend we’re not mad and yet seethe inwardly. Both are sinful and destructive, but the second one is where Paul focuses:
do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
The first part is pretty self-explanatory: be mad… but don’t stay mad. But the second part – “give no opportunity to the devil.” What in the world? The devil? It’s just an argument, a minor spat. Bringing in “the devil” seems a bit dramatic! But Paul just finished explaining to us (2:11-22) how Christ’s death created a unity among believers that could not otherwise exist, and in a disconnected, lonely world what displays the unity, love and peace of the Trinity better than a unified Church – characterized by unified families, friendships, and work relationships? So yes: when you and I let things fester, when we don’t make every effort to quickly restore the relationship, we make Satan’s day. We give him an opportunity to destroy the thing that God has created.
But let’s be honest: When you’ve been done wrong, wounded deeply it’s hard to forgive. Too often, we take the attitude of, “I’ll forgive you… but I’ll never forget.” That’s not the kind of forgiveness Christ commands. And “commands” is not too strong a word. Look at Matthew 18:21-35, for example. Or Matthew 6:14-15. Jesus was not vague or wishy washy on this. He has forgiven us – removed our sins “as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12). This is the standard for biblical forgiveness, then: when I say “I forgive you,” am I willing to do the hard emotional work to truly consider the matter closed forever? Or do I hold on to the anger and the hurt?
In a chick flick, the happy ending comes only after the couple decides that winning the fight is less important than being together. So they make up. They choose to forgive. Paul is pleading with the Ephesians to do the same. To hold on to the grudge is to give Satan a foothold, and – according to Paul – it is sin. This doesn’t mean it’s easy to let go, to truly forgive – but without forgiveness, there is no happy ending.
Questions:
- When you’re hurt or wronged, how do you respond?
- Think of the last time you and your spouse, or you and a friend got into a big fight. Which one of you was more active in trying to restore the relationship?
- It’s almost never the case that a fight is solely one person’s fault. Is it hard for you to be the first one to apologize for the role you played? Why?
- Can you think of a time when you were angry with someone and didn’t “let the sun go down on your anger?” What lessons can you share with others in your small group from that experience? What about a time when you held onto the anger, and didn’t reconcile. What lessons can you draw from that?
- Is there someone you need to forgive? A relationship you need to restore?
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