“It takes two to fight.”
With those words, my Mom ended all debate over “who started it.” When we were little, my sister and I would both get spanked when we’d get into one of our (frequent) fights. Bill Cosby once joked, “Parents don’t care about justice – they just want quiet!” And I’m sure there’s a part of that in my Mom’s solution. But her solution – intentional or not – illustrated a practical – and thoroughly biblical – principle: it takes two to fight, and a fight can almost always be avoided.
Some examples:
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. (Romans 12:18)
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. (James 4:1-2)
James says, human conflicts can be described using economic terminology: I want something that I don’t have. You prevent me from having it – whether because you have it and I don’t, or because you’re standing in the way of my agenda. And – ultimately – James doesn’t mince words: this is idolatry. Instead of trusting God, we fight among ourselves. As Phil put it a few weeks back,
“Complaining and arguing are marks of self-seeking people.”
But self-seeking people are who make up churches, aren’t they? You and me – we’re naturally self-seeking. We see it in little kids, and by the time we’re adults, we’ve learned to camouflage it – but our instinct is still to complain and argue until we get our way. Unfortunately, this kind of disunity is what characterizes most churches, along with the wounds and scars such fights inevitably lead. And these are well-meaning people, like you and me! But it doesn’t have to be this way. Paul – dealing with some conflict in the Philippian church – pleads with his readers:
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. (Phil 2:1-7)
Paul says almost exactly the same thing in Ephesians 4:1-6:
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. (Eph 4:1-6)
In Ephesians 4:1, Paul tells us to “walk.” The Greek word for “walk” is peripateo – literally meaning, “to walk around” (peri, meaning “around” and “pateo” – think “pitter patter of little feet”). The idea is a lifestyle – “as you walk around in this world, as you go about your daily life” – which is why the NIV and others translate it “live.” So how does Paul expect us to “walk,” to live? Just as Jesus did: in all humility, looking out for what is best for others even when that means getting hurt, or sacrificing what is important to me. Paul tells the Philippians, “in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Imagine what this would look like for all of our relationships – family, marriage, friendships, work – if you and me truly walked as Jesus did.
Unity is hard work. Giving up my personal agenda is hard. Getting hurt and genuinely forgiving those who hurt you is very, very hard. But read through Ephesians 2:1-10, and remember where you were – and where you’d still be – if Christ had only looked out for his own interests.
Some questions:
- When a fight arises – between you and a friend, or a spouse, or even just a coworker – are you the first to forgive? Why or why not?
- Who have you been deeply hurt or wronged by? Have you forgiven them – or are you still holding onto that pain? One indication that you’ve truly forgiven them may be that you can genuinely ask God to bless them, to look out for them (instead of, say, hoping for a sort of fire-and-brimstone divine vindication of your cause).
- What first steps can you take to “maintain the unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace”?
- You’ve heard the saying about “winning the fight and losing the war.” How does this apply to how we should do church, in light of what Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:1-6?
- Where in your life can you or should you apply some of the attributes Paul mentions in vs. 1-6:
- What situation in your life needs you to act with more humility?
- How many times during the last week would you characterize yourself as gentle?
- Where is your patience being tested right now?
- What are you doing that demonstrates what it means to “bear with one another?”
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